Today its a rainy day here on the West Coast, and its so so dreary! Normally I would love a walk in the rain, its my favourite thing to do, but today Im sitting like an old lump on a log feeling sorry for myself, why? Its Thanksgiving weekend, everywhere I go its family family family! My family is my daughter, my beautiful sacred rather independent daughter who lives a very long way away from me. My mind highlights the presence of daughters and Mothers everywhere, and when my mind fixates on this, well the landslide begins…”look at that mother and daughter and where is your daughter”, “your all alone”, “you’ll never have that kind of relationship (fixating on a mother and daughter laughing while picking out a turkey)”, on and on and on!! I felt like the world was going to hell and I was on the first flight headed for the journey to the land of darkness (catch the dramatic drift yet lol?)
After a good six hours of hounding my daughter by text, moving into the presumed healing ability of a bag of Lays chips and a large Helva onion dip, crying to a sad song, and hugging my. resistant independent Shitzu, I sat myself down at my desk and decided to connect to my Spirit Guide Nathan. My plan was to give him an earful about how terribly unfair this all is, why oh why me, blah blah blah. One thing Ive learnt about Spirit is that the best laid out plans are usually the farthest from the truth that awaits me. If I think I know it all and take control, I usually end up crashing or messing up, but if I give in to surrender, and I mean truly surrendering my cares and worries to Spirit, then there is space for me to love me and let my life grow. I digress…sorry…anyway, I called upon my Guide Nathan, he immediately entered the sacred space of my meditation. He looked straight into my eyes and said, “I have told you before, lay your head on my shoulder, tell me your woes, and I will carry them for you”. “There is a process here far beyond you beloved one”. He continued, “Your beloved daughter is teaching the lineage about the necessity of self love and healthy boundaries, although you are pained, it is the pain of growth and not loss that you suffer”. Damn, I thought, Im so busted! He continued, “unto ever family will come a master that enters to correct the energies of the lineage. That which has always been can no longer serve, and so the lessons of change, difference, Light and blessings come, but first the old skin must be shed. Dear one, if you allow this to be, your beloved daughter will release you of the ties that have bound your heart as well”.
I could feel a lightness rise in my chest. Rather then see the situation as a pained one, I started to see it as a sacred interaction to further strengthen my own journey. Yes, there were many many times I wished I would have inserted healthy boundaries with my own Mother, and Im sure she wished she would have done so in her life as well, yet I and those ancestors before me just kept blindly walking with the habitual set of ideals of how it “should be”, and what is right and “loving” what makes a “good parent”. The most loving thing I could do is step back and bow my head to my daughters sacred journey, to honour her needs, to embrace these sacred teachings that tried to show me the power of letting go. The mother and daughter I saw giggling over a turkey seemed one way in my wounded mind filled with should and shame when actually I knew nothing about them at all!! Maybe this was the first time they visited in years, maybe their relationship is renewed, and a thousand other possibilities.My wounded mind had an opinion but my higher mind had the answer. So, what did I learn?…..
-What appears as a reality often isn’t, it is often a sacred teacher for a more profound loving experience
-the pain I feel in a given situation or event is often more based in a subconscious wounding then a present moment experience. In other words, feeling sad and blah about not having my daughter here for a special event was not about her, but more about the list of “shoulds” I learnt growing up about what a good mother does, what a good daughter does and about how it needs to be. I realized how Im so ready to let these beliefs go and embrace who I truly am as a mother!
-healthy boundaries, although are powerful essential tools in the conscious world, but are more potent in the internal world. Putting healthy boundaries around my thoughts, feelings, judgements, shoulds, ideals, implanted patterns of behaviour and more are far more potent of a method of healing then only externalizing my boundaries.
-finally,.. when it hurts too much, when I feel like Im sinking in deep waters, like Im drowning beyond my own capabilities, its time to be still, breathe, call on my God or guides or angels or whatever else is a form of Higher power to me and listen to the still voice from within. Guidance comes when stillness is present. Also, sometimes I just need to realize that what I think is a thought, what I feel is a feeling but what I know will be revealed by being aware of my thoughts and feelings and giving them away to a Higher power (be it a Guide, a run, painting, singing or something creative) for healing to begin.
Blessings and Light