Surrender, not my favourite topic, in fact I never really ever wanted to look at a plan other then the one I had maticulously massaged out of my own head. What is surrender anyway,? Do I need to hand over everything to the unknown, to trust, to just wander around waiting or “God” or whatever it is to show up and make everything better?! Surrender to me was a fancy name for doormat behaviour, or a state of limbo, very very painful pauses where action could be more productive. I tended to be more of what is termed a type “A” personality, so of course do do do was the top of my list every day. Even while I was sick, barely able to be out of bed for more then an hour at a time, I would do my duties as a mother, as a business owner, as a daughter…imagine that, standing at a sink doing dishes while my legs shook and could barely hold me upright, stubborn determined control so habitual it felt as natural as breathing and as important as my own life. I had a lot to learn.
The illness brought me to my knees..literally. Many times I had to stop and sit on the floor and rest while trying to walk from one room to another. My legs, weakened by the onslot of hormones and exhaustion could no longer carry me, I was forced to slow down, stop, take a seat and rest. One afternoon, after stopping three times on the way to the basement to put in a load of laundry I felt the distinct and familiar presence of my Guide, Nathan. It felt as if he sat beside me and began to whisper to me the secrets of living a surrendered life. As I sat on the floor with my back to the wall watching my legs twitch from exhaustion, down deep in my inner heart I heard my Guide speak, “dear one, the path of life is long, full of challenges, full of weary moments. When you feel the weight of your world dear one, surrender and I will help”. “Surrender!” I said aloud, “what the hell is surrender! I pray, I meditate, I wait and wait for the answer, I don’t get it”! Frustration mounted within, I felt I truly was trying to surrender…wait, thats not surrender is it? I was still trying! “Teach me dear Guide, teach me to surrender” I said aloud. I felt a calmness come over me as my beloved Guide began to teach me about surrender.
“First, begin each day with absolute celebration, complete gratitude for the miraculous gift of awakening alive” said my Guide. “Surrender is about realizing that within you is a force that animates your very existence. Once you are aware of something greater then your mind, something that keeps you alive, you will begin to trust the process of surrender.” I felt myself relax into the teaching. “Feel dear one, your heart beat, hear it, put your hand over it, spend time with this beloved force that beats, feels, responds, animates, gives life”. I placed my hand over my heart, my eyes welled up with tears, I could feel my heart and it felt like an old friend I had not hugged in a long long time. I felt huge amounts of gratitude for the absolute miracle of every beat, I could feel myself melt into the miracle of life. “Now dear one”, said my Guide,”continue with your breath, your vision, your skin, hands, feel the presence of your life force. It is here where you will begin to trust the process of surrender, in the place of being present with the miracle of life”. As I followed my breath, felt my hands move, my legs beneath me, as I noticed the very miracle of me, my body began to tremor less, I could feel strength in my legs, my heart rate decreased! This is it! Surrender! Being present with myself, connected to my body, intensely aware of the present moment and the miracle of being in a body, alive, connected to myself. I realized that if my body, my Spirit and that which animates me could perform the moment by moment miracle of life, then I could trust its lead in healing. My journey towards health and wellness changed, this was going to be an intuitive healing, not only a medical one…now I was ready to heal.
Practice awakening to the miracle of life. Before leaving your bed, feel your heartbeat, spend time with it, give gratitude for every beat. Spend time with your breath, feel your lungs moving in your body. Feel your legs move, your hands and legs moving, feel the miracle of life. Give gratitude for this miracle, and reconnect with this miracle several times a day.
Next post…Following the call of Spirit