Awakening from my Silence…
“There comes a time when silence is betrayal” – Martin Luther King
During a recent meditation, my guide, Nathan taught me that “all beings are completely authentic, beautifully authentic, but authenticity becomes silenced and invisible through the ever present betrayals (denial) of the individual’s truth”. He continued to share that “authenticity is not a sought after goal, but through a process of Unfoldment, the authentic self will reveal its truest expression”. Nathan’s wisdom continued… “Unfoldment is a present moment process, a courageous release of that which no longer serves thus revealing that which is essential to the Divine plan”. Nathan also reminded me “the path to authenticity requires one to be acutely aware in the present moment. This present moment awareness will bring to light the gentle promptings of Spirits call”. After my meditation, I reflected on Nathan’s teaching and how it played out in my journey of the past four years…a journey that was filled with realizations of where and when I silenced my authenticity and betrayed my sacred path, a journey that lead me back to my authentic self. Upon further reflection I realized that the trials I walked through over those four years are sacred teachers, and worthy of sharing. My blog posts for 2018 will be dedicated to exploring my sacred four year journey of silence and betrayal, renewal, and authenticity. My posts will be vulnerable, raw and real. My hope is that by sharing my story a ray of light, hope and vision for your path will unfold.
The silent betrayal ..
Four years ago I noticed a fine tremor in my legs, a generalized weakness and a feeling of exhaustion that I simply could not ignore. My life at that time was filled with roles, responsibilities, duties, and a vast array of this and that’s which fully occupied my every waking hour. I had love all around me yet I was empty, I had a thriving career as an intuitive with clients all around the world, but my body began fighting me and shutting down my ability to do my work. Every day I become more and more physically and emotionally weak. The tremors in my legs became more pronounced and coping with day to day stressors began to fall to the wayside in favor of immobility, exhaustion and a sense of dread…”why is my body betraying me!” I would ask. Months had past, it became painfully evident that It was time to see the doctor and figure this all out, Admitting that I needed help, that I was completely confused as to what was happening was a very humbling experience, after all, I am an intuitive, a doctor of holistic medicine and former NICU RN, I should be able to heal this..or so I thought. During this time of physical trial, I would meditate, and my guide Nathan would stand before me, his hand outstretched, eyes gleaming like beacons of Light, his words ever so gentle “trust me, reach out to me, rest dear one, I will guide you, comfort you, trust me”. I thought “Trust!! Are you kidding me!!” I am fiercely independent and rather stubborn! I silenced Nathan’s words by embracing my habitual coping mechanisms. My body continued to betray the demands I so stubbornly placed upon it, the situation worsened.
“You have a critical situation” said my physician. The blood results revealed that my thyroid was in such a hyper state that my body was literally going at warp speed, soon to burn out. “You will be in full heart failure within a week if you don’t do something now, your thyroid is critical, severely hyper” said my doctor. I could feel the blood draining from my face as he announced my fate. I was powerless, my body in severe danger. Several weeks had passed since my first tremors, I already lost over 38 pounds, my hair thinned substantially, my eyes appeared to be bulgy, I could not walk without assistance, and my heart raced between 98-120 beats per minute all day long. I was now face to face with the reality of my body saying clearly to my Spirit, “Wisen up babe, or we’re outta here”! My body drew a clear line in the sand, change or be changed. The doctor proceeded to give me medication and said I would be on these meds for a lifetime. The doctor didn’t know if my hair would grow back to its usual thick mane, he didn’t know if I had sustained permanent muscle damage from the on slot of hormones, the future was unknown but the present was screaming loud and clear. This may not sound like a big deal to some, but to i, a doctor of natural medicine, it was humbling.The only healing path before me was pure and utter surrender, submission to the truth that I needed help, bigtime, and only the allopathic medicine would help. The plan before me…three to four weeks of bed rest, dietary restrictions, medical check ups and more. I felt as though God had me in a headlock and was asking me to say “I give I give, I’m yours!” My life as I knew it was about to change significantly, either I would stop betraying my Soul and submit to the journey of authenticity or I would visit my room on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge…checkmate! My body was exhausted from the push and shove of fulfilling all the obligations, roles, expectations and self induced perfections that I imposed on myself. My Spirit was saying it is time now to meet who you know yourself to be…time out, check mate, no way out! People often ask, how did I know that this wasn’t just a medical event, an imbalanced thyroid, a toxic situation, how did I know that there was a deeper meaning to the illness? My only answer is that after working for 28 years in regular and complimentary medicine, after 18 years of intuitive work, one thing I learnt for sure is that the body will absolutely send a message when Spirit has been denied. No, I didn’t cause the sickness because I wasn’t being me, that’s so new age and also I’m not so powerful! I did however silence my voice, my desires, my truths, my inner me for a very long time, and finally my voice became tired of being denied and sent me a message the only way I would hear…through the body. Sickness is a messanger, not a lesson to teach you how bad you were, what you did wrong, but a sacred messanger with Light filled guidance waiting to unfold.
I returned home after the doctors appointment, sat on my sofa and sobbed, buckets and barrels of tears that came from a place deep inside me that I didn’t even know existed. My inner me had been silent for so long, I was so bound up in responsibilities, have to’s, roles that the authentic me became completely buried and forgotten. My tears felt like a huge release and relief, I missed them, I had forgotten their power and healing ability. My tears brought forth compassionate love for my life and revealed to me that I allowed myself to be defined by the words of others and forgot my own inner self. I was so used to stretching my hand out to the outer world for help, admiration and love verses holding my hands over my chest in prayer, insight and surrender. I denied the voice of the authentic me, numb to the reality of my existence and the inner longing to live, thrive and expres my Light in its full potential. After much prayer (and a whole lotta Kleenex!) I landed on my knees, not in a dramatic way, but in a fully surrendered way and said clearly to my God, my guides and my ancestors…”I am here, fully humbled, make me as you intended, help keep me out of your way, I want to LIVE!” I want to LIVE, not just be alive, but LIVE!! As I struggled to get up from my knees, I sensed a peaceful silence in the room, the energy around me became still, my body stopped trembling, my legs still for the first time in weeks. I wanted to sleep, to lye in the energy of my beloved guides of whom I could sense were nearby. I wanted to open myself to my guides and hear their whisped reminders of the truths I had forgotten. It was time to journey back to the authentic me. I remembered Nathan’s words that encouraged me to be in this sacred space of peace…I finally arrived, nestled in his sacred embrace, silent, peaceful and damn scary all at once.
What did I learn….
Silencing my authentic expression created a place where fears hung out, where excuses dominated, a place where it became easier to be with the familiar then to reveal my authentic self. Silence, or in other words, betraying my own self expression created a satisfying feeling of becoming numb and afraid, comfortable and habitual. Betrayal is such a harsh word (I find), yet, as my body betrayed me I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my life. I was about to experience the greatest gift from my beloved guides,.. a knock upside the head, a kick in the ass, an opportunity to realign with my authentic self. The perceived betrayal by the body became my pathway to LIght, to finding Love, to revealing the full unedited version of me. My self induced silencing of the truth of me became a betrayal of my God given journey, yet evolved into a sacred, blessed teacher.
These are very vulnerable, real and sometimes painful (often comical ) posts, but I truly believe that every test can become a testimony, a vehicle of Light to share with another. Perhaps you will see yourself in these posts, not identical but hauntingly familiar, let us walk together, in healing, in Love. In my next post, I will share with you how my guides, my ancestors, my Sacred Counsel assisted me, and how betrayal became the Lighted Pathway to my highest self.
Blessings and Light